I don't really know what to say. I got those amazing results that I am so proud of, and then he turned up and showed no interest in me. None. Even though just last night, he wouldn't let the conversation stop and kept texting back. Today, he made me feel like a nuisance. I probably would've texted him by now, persuading him to the party or asking how his results are, but I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like he'll just roll his eyes and dutifully reply to the girl who won't give up on her little thing for him.

Well, I am giving up. I have given up. If he really wanted me, he'd be coming to the party, wouldn't he? Because we always spend parties together, always end up sharing a bed, cuddled up somewhere. Always end up maybe nearly kissing, or getting into a conversation that could perhaps lead somewhere. He knows how I feel, enough people have told him about it. That and it's blatantly obvious. He just can't return the feeling, I guess. So it's time for me to just give up and move on.

The giving up part is fine. It's the moving on that worries me. There's no one else. He's been there for nearly 4 months now, anyone else has been overshadowed and gone. I'm relying heavily on the new students next year, but I was also relying on a holiday fling and that never happened. So maybe I'm just not supposed to have someone. Maybe it's been written in the stars that I am destined to get through life alone. Maybe it's setting me up for the inevitable.

It could even be Dave, just sitting there and poking fun at me for disturbing his minion parade. Bastard.

(Almost forgot! As Results: Photography A, Language B and Literaure A. Go mee!)

I only went and read that because I was being nosey about something entirely different. I wasn’t expecting a blow like this. Denying everything? Avoiding me? Who the fuck does he think he is? He’s making shit up to protect himself, but what about me? Just throw me out there to get mocked and hurt, why don’t you. Thank fuck no one believed your pathetic little lies anyway. I almost wish I’d seen this a few weeks ago, so I could’ve got over it and moved on before I’d got in too deep.

I actually cried. God, that fucking hurt. I’m not a bad person, I don’t deserve to be treated like that. Get some fucking respect, boy.

On the other hand, I'm glad he's got a bit of happiness. (This is a different person, not that unworthy fucker.) God knows someone deserves it.

After all that, I'll probably stay exactly the same with him. I won't text him all the time, I won't make an effort to talk to him, but when he says hi I'll still get into useless chats until 2am about nothing in particular. He's a good friend to have around and I need that right now.

I have to go tidy some shit and let Alex Gaskarth sing me into normality before work now. Buhbye.

That made me smile.

Thank you.

Be careful with me, I'm fragile.

Dear boy,

Hi there, how're you? Having a good day? Good, good... Now, go away and stop reading my journals please, you know it only leads to bad things! It's for both of our own good.

Love,
Emily

Hi there.

My exams are finished. I have a job so I have money, which is nice. I have no boyfriend but that's alright, it'll do for now. You'll be pleased to hear that I'm over him now. When he's mean to me and when he makes nasty comments at me and when I tell him my mum's terminal and he just says 'oh well, you knew it was coming', it just hurts that he thinks he can talk to me like that, not because I feel horribly hard-done-by that he hates me and it's awful and I don't think I can look at him anymore without crying. He just makes me angry now. When he's doing that to me anyway; otherwise he's just a good friend... In a strange, twisted way.

Nathen is doing my face in. We broke up a month ago and he's still in my face with his tempremental 'I love you!' 'I just want to be friends!' 'omg u didn't talk 2 me on msn for 3.7 seconds are u mad at me and did i do something and will you take me back pls?'. He's making me very cross and I'm finding it very difficult to keep my patience with him. What's worse is that I like someone who happens to be a good friend of Nathen, which means there is absolutely nothing I can do about it because Nathen has made it quite clear that he's not getting over me any time soon and anyone who gets in his way of pining is committing a terrible sin. So, apparently, I can't move on with my life until he moves on with his, which could be never. (Or maybe just a while from now.) I was over him before the relationship even ended, which is making it even more difficult for me to wait.

There was a party last night, and aforementioned boy was there and almost as drunk as me. He kissed me. He shouldn't have done, he's supposed to be Nathen's 'rock', if you like, but he did. I don't know why. He's shown no signs of liking me before and no more signs this morning. Maybe I'm just obvious and he was drunk and desperate. That's usually the way. But he's a lonely, broken boy and I just can't resist it. He picks on me almost as much as the last one but my God he's a lovely kisser. The friends I've told seem to think it was a bad thing and still say I'm the bad guy. No one's happy for me anymore. I even had one lecturing me about who I should stay friends with, with an added 'I know you're going through a hard time right now, but...' No, there is no but. I'm going through a hard time. Life's difficult, give me some slack. I need some affection and I need to think at least someone cares about me because they care about me, not me with them or themselves disguised as me.

Do you care? Do you know? Am I just a game or is it real? Do I have a hope? ...It was like this with him. Oh dear.

I saw Cobra Starship last week and there were OH MY GABE AMAZING. Just so you know. I also have my first ever driving lesson booked for Friday morning. I'm not nervous yet, just excited! I'm then going to see Coraline and staying at my lovely Lauren's house. Fun times for Emily.

I think that's about it. See how I got a new 'you', by the way? Did I say that last time? I don't know, I can't remember.

Tata for now.
<3

Today's been an all over sort of day. It started with me deciding that I was going to look amazing but then there was nothing for breakfast so I had to stop and fry eggs, but then I decided I still had time, but then the key got stuck in the door and I missed the bus so I had to get 2 other ones to get to college. But then I was there earlier than usual so I still got break with everyone and endured an hour of God-awful AS English Language but then got to spend the next hour making flash revision cards because my coursework was finished and I'd handed it in. And then I spent 45 minutes organising and getting excited about Cobra Starship, followed by a BORING hour of tutorial and laptops that refused to log onto the system. So for every annoying thing, there was an okay thing to counter it. I left college feeling content.

I got home and booked the train tickets that all four of us agreed on (one person determines that he was never consulted but I think he was just thrown off by confusing exam times and I got a very arsey phone call, but I reasoned with myself so that's okay now.) and then I gave my sister my old bikini (it looks better on her and she's 13 ¬¬ ) and then I went to talk to my mum.

Recently we've come into a bit of money; my grandad died last year and left his children his house which finally sold last week. But Mum kept talking about this 'other money' that we were ' probably going to get ' but couldn't tell me about until it happened. She went to a hospice day care thingy today and they asked her how her children felt about her illness... She asked and my sister didn't even realise that Mum was going to die. She assumed that because she's on treatment, she was being cured and there was nothing to worry about. I think this made Mum realise that she wasn't telling us enough. I mean, she's always told us everything we needed to know, but we never really talked about it unless she was specifically telling us about a doctor's appointment. So my sister went off swimming and once I'd finished ranting at Mum about men, she sat me down on the toilet seat (she was in the bath!) and caught me up with everything she'd been missing out. Basically, this 'other money' is her life insurance- she's agreed with her doctor to become 'terminal' so that the insurance will pay out nearly £300,000. Apparently, the first thing on the shopping list is a hot tub! Then a good chunk of it is going to be put away, because Dad's decided that when Mum can't look after herself anymore he's going to quit his job of 23 years to look after her 24/7. Then, after she's gone, he'll become self-employed and work from home for our sake; but not before we've all gone on a cruise and seen a decent west-end show together. It's sensible, I know. It's right to think ahead like that.

But I don't think I want to.

Unlike Livvie, I knew she was going to die. Thanks to our chat I now know it won't be anytime soon because 'bone cancer has never killed anyone.' But I still don't really want to think about it. Having to even consider a house without Mum around ever again, with just me, Dad and Liv, isn't even comprehendable. I love my mum and she's pretty much my best friend; I can't think about living without her. So being told the plans for when it inevitabley does happen does not sit well. I don't know what to think or whether it's okay to cry. Her doctor doesn't really think she's terminal, he's just writing it for the insurance company... But there has to be some truth in it for him to be able to write the statement and have it believed.

I won't cry, for now. I will, no doubt, but for now I have to go and cook quiche because it's 'Mum's day off.'

Thanks for listening. x